<Taken largely from “St. Jerome’s Bad Advice to the Grieving” by Bob Munson>

Pastoral Counseling seeks to, in part, draw from the church tradition of pastoral care that is two millennia old. However, we must also critique the church’s guidance in light of Scripture (primarily) as well as other sources. Sometimes the great heroes of the faith can have blind spots in terms of practical guidance and ministry. An excellent example of this is St. Jerome– also known as Jerome of Stridon (circa 342 – 420AD).

His great claim to fame was his translation of the Bible from the original languages in to common Latin (Vulgate). Related to this was the value he placed on understanding both Greek and Hebrew in Biblical studies— a characteristic rare in the Western church. However, his advice to a grieving friend points to a failure to empathize and express Christian love appropriately.

Drawing from the post listed above, which reflects on a letter described in the book, Jerome: His Life, Writings and Controversies, by J.N.D. Kelly.

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“Kelly summarizes a letter from Jerome to a woman named Paula. Paula was a disciple of Jerome, along with her daughter, Blesilla. Jerome felt very close to both of them. However, Blesilla died and Paula felt great grief. Quoting Kelly regarding Jerome’s letter to Paula,

Jerome, who seems to have regarded Blesilla as now belonging at least as much to himself as to Paula, was shocked by her distress, and took her to task in no uncertain terms. The letter, which he intended as a threnody, and which starts off as a eulogy of Blesilla, soon becomes a rebuke for her mother’s excessive grief, and at the same time a terrifying exposure of his own religious attitude. First, he concedes that tears have their place (did not Jesus weep for Lazarus?), but protests that his own agony is no less than Paula’s. But the Christian should be able to bear the most shattering blows with meek thankfulness, knowing that God, who controls all things, is good. Secondly, however, the dead man for whom mourning is appropriate is the sinner who has gone down to hell; Blesilla deserves congratulation, for she has passed from darkness to light to meet Christ face to face. Thirdly, Paula should recall that she is not only a mother but a Christian, and a dedicated ascetic at that. The truly Christian reaction to death was that of the heroic Melania: when she lost her husband and two of her sons in quick succession, who shed no tear but, prostrate before Christ, exclaimed with a smile, ‘Now I shall serve You, Lord, all the more readily, since You have freed me from this burden.; Finally, Paula’s grief is disgraceful to the point of sacrilege. It must be sheer torture to Blesilla, as she consorts with blessed Mary and the saints, to see her own mother behaving in a manner so displeasing to Christ.

Kelly, J.N.D., JEROME: HIS LIFE, WRITINGS, AND CONTROVERSIES (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1975), 99.

Jerome had a position of authority over her as her discipler. As such, he was in a position to abuse. This form of abuse is often described as “spiritual abuse.” In this case, I would categorize this form of spiritual abuse as theological abuse since the method is linked to expressing a form of theology that is harmful/coercive. Here are a few things that Jerome gave as theological guidance to Paula.

#1. On the positive side, Jerome didn’t deny that Jesus did shed tears at the death of Lazarus. However, based on the broader context, it looks like this was shared as a sort of lampshading. The reason I am saying this is that in the letter, he appears to be saying that crying is bad, and that sadness is wrong, and so acknowledges the most well-known counter-argument before ignoring its ramifications later. (I don’t have Jerome’s letter— Letter 39, 384 AD— and so I am responding to the summary by Kelly.)

#2. Jerome seems to be saying, “I love Blesilla as much as you, and so if I am not grieving like that, neither should you.” This is pretty classic. One of the classic responses to grieving is, “I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.” This is often meant well, but does have the sting of saying, in effect— “Don’t share with me how you feel, because I already got it.” This is not a good pastoral response. First, it is not true. Jerome does NOT know what it is like to lose a daughter, and he is not in a position to figure out who is struggling more. Second, even if two people, theoretically, had the exact same amount and quality of attachment to someone who has died, that does not mean that the grief response will be (or should be) identical. God created individuals, not clones.

#3. Jerome implies that one cannot be thankful to God while grieving. Another, bad response to grieving is, “You really should be counting your blessings!” As one reads the Psalms of Lament in the Bible, one finds songs that express deep sorrow along with both thankfulness and hope. We are complex beings. Sadness and thankfulness are not mutually exclusive.

#4 . Jerome suggests that we shouldn’t really grieve because everything that happens is good, because God is good. This relates to a gripe of mine… the responsive formula— “God is good…” “All the time.” “And all the time…” “God is good.” We may say that God is loving. We may say that God is benevolent. However, when we say, “God is good” I think the vagueness of the term requires us to ask the perspective. From a phenomenological or anthropocentric viewpoint, God is NOT always good. That is the point of the Lament Psalms, as well as some of the various prophetic complaints to God in the Old Testament (particularly). We learn and grow through dealing with the challenge that “God is good… but NOT all the time. Not all the time, but God is STILL good.” But even if God is good all the time (on all levels of interpretation), God created us with deep attachments. We were designed to hurt from loss. Grieving doesn’t undermine this. In fact, one could even argue that grieving is a God-given gift to help us deal with deep loss.

5. Jerome states that Blesilla is in a better place so we should be celebrating this. I know some Christians like to talk about funerals as “Celebrating Life” rather than seen as memorializing one lost to death. I don’t suppose there is anything wrong with this. However, grief is not based on where the person is at but where the griever is with respect to the other. Suppose a cherished family heirloom is stolen in a house break-in, and you are sorrowing. If a well-meaning neighbor sought to comfort you that perhaps it has now drifted into the hands of someone who will take care of it better than you, I think you would be justified in questioning your neighbor’s mental fitness. Your sorrow is based on the personal and familial loss and nothing to do with it’s new state. When we lose a loved one, we may not grieve as those who have no hope, but we still grieve… and should grieve.

6. Jerome argues that a true Christian reaction is to find joy in the loss. He uses the example of Melania, a Roman Christian who lost husband and two sons and then left for Palestine to found a monastery. The story of her thanking God (seemingly) because He took away impediments to her serving Him, sounds pretty monstrous. I assume the reality is more complex, but if one takes it as Jerome presented it, it suggests an attitude about family and relationships that appears to be far from a Christian ideal.

7. Jerome claims to read Blesilla’s mind in heaven and thinking that she would be “tortured” to see Paula grieving. This is tied to a well-known response to the grieving that, “_________ would not want you to grieve.” Of course, these respondents have no idea what the dead want. Most commonly, what is really meant is “I have gotten tired of seeing you grieving.”

8. Jerome finally claims that Paula’s grieving displeases God. This is just a variation of the previous argument with “God doesn’t want to see you grieve.” Essentially, grieving is seen as a sin by Jerome. Why would we assume this of God? Rather, this expresses the theological perspective of Jerome and it is pretty abusive.”

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Good advice might come fairly close to the opposite expressed by Jerome.

1. See in Christ a model for dealing with loss— grieving openly and freely.
2. Recognize that each person may deal with loss differently. Tears are common, but so are desires to memorialize the person, or be drawn into activism (among other things).
3. It is very appropriate to be both sad and thankful— thankful to God for allowing one to have the other in one’s life, while simultaneously grieving their loss.
4. It is okay to question God. Much as the Psalmist(s) lamented, it is healthy to learning and growth to talk to God when He seems cruel or unfair.
5. Recognize that grieving is a healthy part of letting go. The one who has passed on may indeed be in a better place, and perhaps is now free of immense suffering— but the sadness is not about where they are now, but that they are no longer close.
6. Joy is a Christian emotion, but so is sadness and even anger. Rejecting or denying some hinders our healing.
7. Our grieving has nothing to do with what the dead desire or the dead hate. Grieving is about what we need to do. The one who died in most cases has also suffered loss in the past and has gone through the grieving process. Now it is our turn.
8. God is not against grief. God wants to comfort us in our grief and suffering, but also grow through this experience so that we can comfort others as they go through similar experiences (See II Corinthians 1).